23rd November: Smoke and Mirrors

I've touched on this before. I know I have. But I'm going back to it for the simple reason that I can't get it out of my head.

I'm not what I seem to be. People have me down as confident, intelligent, hard-working, punctual, musical, irritating, weird and all other sorts of strange and wonderful things that people's imagination can sum up. Putting it frankly, I'm not anywhere near as good as I seem. It's all an act.

Everything. From the music to the intelligence to the confidence to just about everything else. I have just enough knowledge of certain things to pass myself off as the person that knows stuff, with the exception of maths where I do actually know most of what's being taught with the occasional bit and piece where I have to spend a minute or two learning something. It's a very good act, given how many people wonder what drugs I'm on when I talk like this, but it's still an act.

The sligtly ironic thing is that you tell people it's an act and they laugh in your face. They don't believe that they're that wrong - which is how the act actually works. Once people have formed an opinion of what you're like and how you'll act, there's not really any problem in sustaining that idea. Breaking that mindset, however is more difficult. I mean... people see all this confidence oozing out of me, but in all honesty it's not really confidence.

Inside I'm scared. I'm petrified that someone will actually take the time to put together 2 and 2 and come up with 4 instead of 3, 5 or any other of the 10 wrong answers. I'm worried that I'll fluff up music I'm playing, or GCSEs that I should be passing with A*. Sure, I'm bright. But it doesn't mean that I can laze around and come out with the highest marks.

Demands made of me border on the impossible. Demands made of me by myself are even worse than that. Some of them are impossible and then the body rules the head instead of vice versa. Control over what you do is an amazing habit to pick up.


I'm doing more and smoke and mirrors even with all of that. It's confusing. Confusion is vital to getting anywhere with deception and acting. To believe in something that someone else is saying they have to think one of two things. One, they have to agree with the other person already. Then it's relatively simple, nothing changes. On the other hand, they can be made to believe that what they originally thought is wrong. Then they look for alternatives that look vaguely believable. Provide that and you've got a bunch of people believing in what you're saying.

Digression is also part of this. Being able to rapidly get off of the topic without seeming to, or talk about something else whilst remaining within the bounds of a topic. It's impossible to get information out of me unless I decide to play ball. It's like pulling teeth.

Anyway, I'm a little bored of writing.. having finished off the second part of my comprehensible writings tonight.. and I've written a more personal blog entry that removes smoke and mirrors. FMEO I'm afriad (For My Eyes Only) so don't ask to see it. Unless you're really sure that you'll get to see it or you're definite that rejection won't permamently damage your mental state.

Rejection can be harsh can't it?

Nighty Night everyone!