7th January: Introspection

A few warnings before you read this.

Firstly, as with lots of stuff that seems to end up on this blog, this is probably not going to be that interesting to anyone. I write this for myself primarily, not for other people. I write stories and things for other people. Look at teen writings for them. However, there's a few that will find this interesting.

Secondly, this is probably going to be of my most personal public blogs. The on the 27th was probably going to be the most personal until I took a step back and thought carefully about it. I decided that I wasn't going to upload anything on that day, and so didn't. There's only a few more things that are going to be me trying to find me in any more detail than this. Honesty, as with an awful lot of things, will be the policy here.

Thirdly, I just got ten quid credit. No, it's not related, but it does mean I now have about 600 texts to send out to you all! Hehe. Hope that I don't have your number, else you'll be responsible for keeping me distracted at the station.

Anyway, today I thought that I'd answer a few questions and talk about a few things that bother me lots. From this point on this will be stream of consciousness. It won't be logical, comprehensive or understandabe. You have been warned.

I trust nearly no one. Probably no one, to be totally precise. It may sound cliched, but I only trust people to do the wrong thing, which sort of defeats the purpose of trust. It's probably a form of paranoia or something, worried that friends are going to stab me in the back while I'm not listening. Worried about what people might be saying behind my back. Where did this come from? Well, it's probably as a result of several things.

Subconsciously, I think that everyone knows either me or my family. I also know that what I say may possibly stick in people's minds to be recalled at the worst possible time for me. Word of mouth is an awfully quick method of communication. If you want a girl to know something controversial, then just tell any of them. They'll pass the word. Of course you'll end up with everyone else knowing it as well, but that's besides the point. However, I don't WANT lots of people to know anything controversial, at least.. I don't think so, and so why should I tell anyone anything?

The basic lack of trust comes from several notable moments where my trust in someone has failed me through their actions. 'Friends' that have turned out to be nothing but parasitical bastards, or exploiting my position as whatever. 'Friends' that have only existed to use me, rather than to actually be friends. I don't ever just use people. I may only offer friendship back, but at least you know that the offer is genuine. Otherwise fuck off, I don't care.

Someone asked me the slightly stupid question of whether I would rather save a male friend of mine or a female supermodel/pornstar that would be indefinitely grateful for the rescue. I, of course, chose the friend. Friendship is worth more than most things. Through all things, friendship prevails. And yes, that is a blatant 'V for Vendetta' rip-off, but who cares? I need someone to translate it now... into Latin so that it can become my motto. Sounds good. Then they asked the even stupider question of who would I rather save out of a girl that I know and fancy or the aforesaid female supermodel. The choice, once again, was easy. I'd rather have someone I know being grateful to me rather than someone I don't. Who knows what they might think I'll be wanting?

I'm hardly a typical boy, if you haven't already guessed. I'm not just saying this stuff about friendship prevailing with every intention of trying to find some nice legs to get between through sweet words and sweeter promises. I'm not that shallow. Hell.. I'm not shallow at all. Unlike certain people I could name, I go for something other than the watermelon-front and metre-long legs...

Anyway, getting back on topic, moments where trust has failed me. Perhaps most recently ws my trust in Grace. Although I'd be hard-pressed to admit it up to this point, having given that amount of trust to someone, I'm hardly expecting that person to then give the verbal equivalent of 'fuck off, I don't care about what you just gave me' and go and abuse it. Maybe all my talk about it getting somewhere mollified myself a little, but in actuality I'm still pissed off at her for it. I hold grudges for a long time when I start holding them against people.

Needless to say, it ruined my trust in girls as a whole. Leading to all other sorts of problems. In case you were wondering, my trust in boys was ruined a long long time ago. If it ever existed. I'm male.. I know what I'm capable of, and I know that I'm not as excessive as some. No one is to be trusted really.

Having talked a second ago about parasitical friends, I often question whether I'm any better. Am I friends with them because they're a friend or because they have this that or the other? Is it because they will give me free food or because I like them? Because I can kick their ass around the floor on anyone of a few hundred games and enjoy beating the hell out of them? I don't know. I don't think so, but if I did think so then would I be able to, in good conscience, continue the friendship? I don't think so. Having met parasites, and told them to go away and bother other people, I think that if I ever decided that I was a parasite then I'd just lose my friends. Better to be a loner than to use people, in my opinion.

Imagine a house. Bury it twenty feet below a hundred foot thick layer of reinforced concrete in the middle of a mountain. Give it enough guards to form an army large enough to conquer the world without any effort at all. Give it a remote location, no access to the outside world. Give it only one small entrance, which is watched and guarded. You might be getting somewhere near what I originally thought my mental house to be.

Then I stopped and thought about it for a minute. My house isn't like that at all. There's no layers that I made there. There's only protective layers that I've let grow. I'm not buried beneath concrete, I'm surrounded by a wall of thorns and a forest and mountains and remoteness, hidden away from the world. Once you can see me, you can get to me, but seeing me is hard enough. I can't see me. Can you see England if you stand in London? That's the entireity of England, not just the bit that you can see. The question is also rhetorical.

Wondering how much other people actually like me is another thing. Pessimism, as I mentioned yesterday, is one of my characteristics. I immediately presume the worst. Take Chamarel, who I mention enough to almost merit a seperate blog talking about her. Wait.. I have one. Shit. That's bad. Anyway, she keeps on saying things like 'I hope you catch hypothermia and die' or 'I hate you.' Um yeah.. thanks for the confidence boosters. Saying 'I don't mean it really' doesn't help either. If you don't mean one thing surely that means that you can also not mean that you don't mean it really? If that makes logical and grammatical sense.

Take various other girls (it is always girls for some reason. I can take most criticism and stuff from nearly all boys without faltering at all, mostly because I lack even the slightest iota of respect for them. Self-obessed people.. I swear. They should start thinking about other things. Girls, however, do have respect from me. Mostly because I don't know them that well I think, so they get benefit of the doubt) who come out with all sorts of wonderful personal comments that I detest. I doubt the image of myself that I built up inside myself. I know it's wrong, but it doesn't mean that I want to change it.

What I want to be and what I am are two entirely different things. Someone asked me what I would change about myself the other day. The answer, believe it or not, was nothing. I wouldn't change anything about myself. If you achieve something without knowing how you achieved it then is it a gain at all? The achievement is in the doing, not in the achieveing. If that makes sense.

It's not what you achieve, but how you achieve it. If you could press a button to end racism would you do it? I wouldn't. Logically, to end years of prejudice, we either have to commit genocide or change the mental state of most of the world. Besides, racism isn't always bad. It may be bad for the majority of cases, but being blind to race would simply make everyone rude and hostile. It's a lose/lose situation.

My one problem in life is that I feel either ignored or overused. I tend to swing from the extremity of being used not at all, and therefore seeking some way of making myself useful, to being practically overused. Of course, I'm not, but sometimes I begin to wonder if it's all worth it. Then I look around and see just how many people are beginning to know me, and just how much my reputation is growing for each successive bit of thing I do and realise that the work is done now, the rewards are reaped later.

The rewards always are reaped later for things you do. Unless you're a cocky git who demands being paid by the hour every hour into your bank account, at which point I would wonder just how much later it has to be to be classed as later.

If I won three million pounds, and remembering that this is a question I'm doing for RS, then (sometime shortly after the sun has exploded, having worked out the probability of winning aforesaid money) I would save it. What use is three million pounds if it's in other people's pockets? With three million I could be earning maybe a few hundred thousand in interest. That's enough to make it worthwhile enough to save as opposed to spend.

Of course, everyone else will probably start planning their two year around the world cruise with strippers, mini-bars and megamini-bars but that's not my style. I'd probably end up spending more on other people than on myself. I do that quite a bit. I share what I have and then share what I don't have (or shouldn't have, at any rate) as well. It's great for everyone around me, but I do occasionally wonder if generousity is the way forward. There's so many ways to abuse it.

I seem to have strayed off of introspection, so I'll leave it here for today. I'll be back tommorrow. With more introspection maybe.